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Letter to the London Observer

Tobias Henoeckl - Fri Mar 07 16:50:18 2003


Letter to the London Observer,
from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python).
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really
pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's
got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel,
don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he
is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them
that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my
neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But
that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a
crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red
tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalizing his plans to do terrible
things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm
the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I
reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a
little difficult. Now, however, George W.Bush has made it clear that all I
need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever
I want.

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraqis
the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US
or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in
peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush
makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that
Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction
even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification
for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating ,rogue states' and ,terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term
aim, because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once
he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are
the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists,
being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves Perhaps Mr Bush
needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe
he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to
fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr
Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of
the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't
like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going
too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of
the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason
for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all
aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar
terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say
,Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's
just as same as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street!