] >Date Index
- Fri Mar 23 14:01:30 2001
This was fowarded to me without the original author's name intact :(
Subject: Instruction Manual
I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and
it arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except
that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead
consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE
KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST
FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE
WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping
People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS
MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's
last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY
OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make
a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger
King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares,
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the
Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than
the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT
DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a
large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation
is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint
from Drawing B.
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which
time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the
device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and
engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
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