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30 SignsHans Maurer
- Tue Jun 08 20:35:25 1999
30 Signs That Technology Has
Taken Over Your Life
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services,
and your Internet address, which spreads acrossthe breadth of the
letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers
with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to
send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next
twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson
stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway,"
but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall
in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without
looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter- and
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries,
you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
Hans Maurer firstname.lastname@example.org
"Was haben Bienen eigentlich mit Vögeln zu tun?"