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"Dilbert Quotes" contest

Markus Wennrich - Wed Apr 14 09:04:51 1999

Dilbert is always funny

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. The writers were 
looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type 
managers. Here are some of the submissions:  

1.	As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building 
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and 
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning 
entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)  

2.	What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. 
(Lykes Lines Shipping)  

3.	How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming 
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)  

4.	E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be 
used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)   

5.	This project is so important, we can't let things that are more 
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)  

6.	Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will 
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for 
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's 
time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M 
Corp.)   

7.	My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25- page proposal that only 
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she 
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell 
Computers)  

8.	Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." 
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) 

9.	My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I 
told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the 
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to 
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD 
Florists)   

10.	We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going 
to discuss it with the employees.  (AT&T Long Lines Division)  

11.	We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to 
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject 
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)  

12.	One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a 
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He 
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask 
for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)  

13.	As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing 
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one 
of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the 
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive 
committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that 
the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, 
I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in 
her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand 
that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR 
Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his 
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told 
me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the 
entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found 
in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month 
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my 
resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco 
Bell Corporation)  

14.	This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally- circulated memo 
from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily 
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of 
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if 
not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
-- 
nick@schoko.org                   http://www.schoko.org/~nick/

Sometimes I even amaze myself.- Han Solo, Empire Strikes Back


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