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TOP 9 Jokes

Markus Wennrich - Mon Mar 01 15:11:57 1999

(ein paar von denen kamen schon ueber die Liste ...)

A Review of the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" this year (according to a 
poll recently taken by someone with obviously too much time on his/her 

Number nine 

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he 
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside 
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite 
startled.  The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft 
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."  She replies, "if your penis is 
as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."  

Number eight 

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"the 
bartender inquires.  "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young 
man.  "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"  "Yeah, my first blowjob." 
 "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."  "No offense, 
sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."  

Number seven 

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a 
gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading 
a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, 
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies 
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have 
the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" 
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."  

Number six 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife 
on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says: 
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want 
to stay fresh."  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  A 
few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.  This time 
he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"  

Number five 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number 
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a 
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle 
slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk 
about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed 
to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill 
came home ashen.  His wife could see at once that something was seriously 
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you 
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" 
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."  "Yes, I did."  "My God, Bill, what happened?"  "I 
got fired."  "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"  
"Oh...she got fired too."  

Number four 

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for 
several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of 
just talking to her.  On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out 
and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should 
try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.  The man 
goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan then he suggests 
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it 
is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.  The man 
goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and 
tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which 
the man replies:  "She choked." (to choke = wuergen)  

Number three 

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the 
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make 
you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals 
inside.  Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then 
open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for 
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."  The crowd 
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his 
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.  The 
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man 
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its 
head.  The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals 
unscathed as promised.  The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks 
was delivered.  The man stood up again and made another offer.  "I'll pay 
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.  
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.  A woman timidly 
spoke up.  "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head 
with the beer bottle".  

Number two 

(to faint = ohnmaechtig werden) A small guy goes into an elevator, when he 
gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.  The big dude looks 
down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy 
faints!  The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his 
face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.  "What's wrong?"  The small 
white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"  The big dude looks down 
and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 
pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."  The small guy says, "Thank 
god, I thought you said  'Turn around.'"  

Number one 

A couple had been married for 50 years.  They were sitting at the 
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just 
think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."  "Yeah," she replied, 
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table 
together."  "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here 
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you 
say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and 
sat down at the table.  "You know, honey," the little old lady 
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 
fifty years ago."  "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in 
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!  

nick@schoko.org                   http://www.schoko.org/~nick/

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep
better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.   - Woody