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Barbie's/Ken's Letter to SantaMarkus Wennrich
- Wed Jan 27 09:07:54 1999
Barbie's Letter to Santa
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy,oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and Velcro up your ass?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
imped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a
fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Ken's Letter To Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms.
Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with
several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann
& Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some
cases the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have only 3
outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision
to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my
lifestyle choice I too would like a change in my career.
Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of
Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could
be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken",
"Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations -we've talked about
this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the
blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what
he said last night.
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...