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Barbie's/Ken's Letter to Santa

Markus Wennrich - Wed Jan 27 09:07:54 1999

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing 
at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in 
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, 
and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!  
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna 
call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to 
smell it).  

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy,oversized sweatshirt. 
I'm sick of  looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing 
suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon 
and Velcro up your ass?  

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What 
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my 
skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!  

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that 
imped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring anyway?  
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) 
anatomically correct.  

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away 
once he is anatomically correct.  

5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, 
just get it done.  

6. A jog-bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.  

7. A new career.  Pet doctor and schoolteacher just don't cut it. How 
about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, a public relations senior account 

8. A new, more 90's persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a 
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of 
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted  with a 
fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking 
Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 
9. No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl.  

10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.  

Okay Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I 
don't think these requests are out of line.  If you disagree, then you can 
find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.  It's that simple.  

Yours Truly,


Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in 
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.  In 
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about 
me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to 
take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. 
Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with 
several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential 
treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann 
& Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some 
cases the ability to change our hairstyle. I  personally have only 3 
outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.  My decision 
to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my 
lifestyle choice I too would like a change in my career. 
Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of 
Work Actor Ken"?  In addition, there are several other avenues which could 
be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", 
"Bear Ken", "Master Ken". 
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new 
markets.  And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me 
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable 
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations -we've talked about 
this issue  before. 
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the 
blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. 
And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what 
he said last night.  



nick@roses.de                   http://www.roses.de/~nick/

Multitasking:  Screwing up several things at once...