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Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device

Markus Wennrich - Fri Jan 15 08:52:44 1999


(BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. 
(MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in 
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 
GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between 
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. 
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and 
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-
government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the 
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." 
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped 
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington 
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, 
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In 
Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott 
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed 
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't 
work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a 
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief 
Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's 
recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US 
Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade 
plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to 
dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned 
users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. 
"I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope 
thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said 
Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs 
on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an 
RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the 
microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel 
chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. 
E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold 
fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway 
in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing 
all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the 
project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up 
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." 
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was 
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying 
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb 
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate 
to be around when they drop that product a second time."  

nick@roses.de                   http://www.roses.de/~nick/

"I'm famous for my dirty tricks you know." Tom Paris (Parturition)