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Microsoft Tests Nuclear DeviceMarkus Wennrich
- Fri Jan 15 08:52:44 1999
MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY REDMOND
(BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp.
(MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-
government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In
Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't
work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief
Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's
recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US
Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade
plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to
dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned
users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems.
"I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope
thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said
Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs
on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an
RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the
microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel
chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E.
E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold
fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway
in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the
project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate
to be around when they drop that product a second time."
"I'm famous for my dirty tricks you know." Tom Paris (Parturition)