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Revenge On Telemarketers

Markus Wennrich - Wed Dec 16 11:14:28 1998

Revenge On Telemarketers

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is 
to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call 
from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as 
irritating as they were to me. The call was from  AT&T and it went 
something like this:  

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, 
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, 
when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.  

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. 
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express 
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this 
lady was persistent.  

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a 
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.   

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute 
but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was 
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.  

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir 
that's right! 24 hours a day!   

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at 
the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, 
can I get a cash advance?  

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a 
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and 
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making 

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a 

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? 
Are you sure this is AT&T?  

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of 
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the 
Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!  

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat 
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and 
while I have a mouth full of food:    

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a 
minute program.  

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to 
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.  

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that 
I could sign up for the plan.  

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end 
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at 
the other end of the phone.   

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up 
for our plan?  

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have 
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little 

AT&T: (click)

nick@roses.de                   http://www.roses.de/~nick/

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.