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Chemical Analysis of a Woman

Markus Wennrich - Tue Apr 21 09:46:40 1998

Chemical Analysis of a Woman
 
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM-MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75 to 550lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

-- 
nick@roses.de                   http://www.roses.de/~nick/

Opportunity waits for no one. (Ferengi ROA 148)


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